Things That Actually Happened: Episode 1

I am a fan of mochas. All coffee, really, but mochas are the go-to.

Work has coffee, but no “mocha-like” substances. So, I smuggled in a can of chocolate syrup. And yes, I really do mean smuggled. Work has issues with “outside substances” because some guy had an allergy to something 186 years ago. No one remembers who or what, conveniently.

Please don’t ask me why I bought a can of syrup instead of getting a squeeze bottle like a person who doesn’t hate herself.

Please don’t.

I hid the can in my bag all sly-like and strolled into the kitchenette like a smooth criminal. It was all going according to plan.

Then I realized I had no can opener.

Panic set in.

Then denial.

Then anger.

Then some more panic and just a hint of self-pity.


Then, I noticed there was a letter opener on the counter.


DISCLAIMER: The following scenes may contain bouts of under-caffeinated violence and poor decision-making that some may find highly disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised.


Guys, I stabbed the can.

Repeatedly. It was a crime of passion.

The worst part is that I did this quietly, slowly, as to not alarm anyone nearby. I even muffled my murder weapon with a towel and ran the sink, so I’d have an alibi if someone came around the corner.

“Oh hey, Joe, just doing some dishes!”

There were no dishes…just a dented, likely traumatized and emotionally-scarred letter opener.

And…an open can!

I wasn’t out of the woods yet. I still had to dispose of the evidence, and wipe the counters for chocolate-covered fingerprints just in case. I laid the letter opener to rest, hid the newly-opened can, and went back for some paper towel.

I opened the cabinet above the sink…and found this.



I’m ok.


In Memoriam: 

Letter opener (20?? – 2016)

A loyal friend to the working folk. A facilitator of communication. Not a can opener.

You will be dearly missed.


One thought on “Things That Actually Happened: Episode 1

  1. Pingback: Things That Actually Happened: Episode 1 | All Up In My Head

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s