You probably just read the title of this post, then scoffed in disgust. It’s okay, you can admit it. You might as well, you’ve already been caught.
However, if some of you had Disney-Influenced childhoods, much like my own, then you probably just pictured this. If so, kudos to you, Disney child. You are awesome.
Now, back to the scoffers. I don’t blame you, really, it is a natural reaction (for sunshine lovers) to scoff at sunshine haters. You’re forgiven for your scoffing (I guess).
But I stand by my claim, whether it is bizarre or not. I can’t stand freaking sunshine and no, it’s not some nihilistic, “go against the crowd” type of deal. I just don’t like it, and I am prepared to explain why.
FIRST and foremost, if you haven’t already connected the dots from my past ramblings (and by that mean all of my other posts, which you should totally read, you know, if you wanna…), I am a wee bit of a night owl.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when I decided to throw caution to the wind, and also my sleep schedule, but my mediocre ability to remember specific time periods tells me that it was somewhere near the end of middle-school. Then again, my mediocre ability to remember specific time periods lies to me all the time, so it shouldn’t really be trusted.
Regardless, years of “living” mostly at night, have altered my ability to handle the daytime and all of it’s annoying quirks. Sunshine is no exception.I am convinced that my eyes have adapted to my nocturnal existence. My eyes are beasts when it comes to seeing things in the dark, but in the light? Yeah not so much…
I have come to the realization that my sensitivity to light is the equivalent of a naked mole rat’s. Never seen one? Here ya go. Just soak in all of that beauty.
I didn’t show you this little wrinkle-monster to scar you for life, I did it to make a point. There is a reason these guys live underground (an no, that wasn’t a jab at their lack of…uh, appeal). Their eyes are itty bity little pupil dots. The live in darkness, therefore they have no need for non-creepy normal eyes like mine that are SUPPOSED to properly filter light. Bring a naked mole rat into a sunny room and they too, would be in immense pain.
Naked Mole Rats feel my pain…
Also does anyone else feel jaded because naked mole rats look like this and not like Rufus? Kim Possible was my hero at some point in y childhood/pre-teendom, and here I am now, realizing that she lied. LIED. My unrealistic expectations in regards to the cuteness of rather repulsive animals is all her fault.
Anyways, animal-beautification concerns aside, my hatred of sunshine poses several other problems.
Like waking up in the morning, for example. and that is already REALLY HARD.
Then there’s the fact that 99.9% of the people in my life simply adore the sun and it’s incessant shiny-ness. This means that I often find myself forced to brave the light, and that goes double for the summer months.
I am that creep at the beach, wearing sunglasses and hiding under an umbrella while other people tan next to me. I often wear sunglasses on overcast days as well, because yes, they are sometime too bright for me. So I look like a James Bond wannabe running around downtown with shades on when the rest of the world has deemed this unnecessary.
The struggle is real, guys. The struggle is real. Sunshine happens like, ALL THE FREAKING TIME. And apparently it is vital to the continued survival of mankind, so doing away with it is out of the question (for now…).
Next time you see someone wearing sunglasses after sunset, or on a cloudy day, be nice. They could have naked mole rat eyes too. Or, just say hi because that person will probably be me…
Awkwardly squinting all the time,